so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
