your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
