Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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