As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
