I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
