When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
