The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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