When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
