I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize