He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
