Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
