OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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