Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
