There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
