the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
