Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They took my balls.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
