woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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