i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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