Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize