Sry I called you an 8
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
