So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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