She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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