Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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