Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
