Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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