a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
third nipple confirmed
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