Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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