Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
