turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
