3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Randomize
