why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize