I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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