just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
