woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
being pregnant is like rehab
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize