you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
