I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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