I just pynch a tree in the face
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
