I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
