I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
