new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My ass is underappreciated
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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