Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
