i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
