why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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