Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
