New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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