I think my vagina is haunted
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
