I'm going to jail i love you
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
