alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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