I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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