Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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