It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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