I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
