dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
