the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
