the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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