We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
