did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
