hotel room ftw
Need sex. Gaining weight.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
