my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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