thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
