im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
