he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
