I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dignity is for republicans.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
