somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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