he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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